Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My life is pants optional.
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