tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Randomize
