This is not my ceiling
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
