she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
