please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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