The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
