I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
