Im at strip club and am horny
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
