Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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