in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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