I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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