I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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