She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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