there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
