whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
