I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
