Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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