Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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