Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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