i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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