Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
