No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
