Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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