His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
