if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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