Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
