Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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