just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
