so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
