ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think my vagina is haunted
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
