I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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