Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
