the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
