I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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