dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
if only i could text you this smell
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my poor anus
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
