I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You made out with two different species that night
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
