i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
