so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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