dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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