U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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