it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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