Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
