I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
