There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
