My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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