hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Randomize
