don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
