i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
