Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
