don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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