I'm laying in your front yard are you home
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
