sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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