I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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