My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
