I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
