Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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