Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
