i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
