I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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